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warriorpoett's Blog


Sexless Marriages & Other Relationship Disasters 3

I published the third edition of Sexless Marriages & Other Relationship Disasters today. It will be on sale on Amazon.com by next week but you can get a copy through my web store at www.createspace.com/4351647 it will also be available in electronic book format for Kindle and other E readers. This book has evolved through three editions and underwent many modifications it has new information more speculation and some theories about what may be going on. I hope you can enjoy this book if you are a member of Amazon's club you can even borrow it and read it for free. Plus if you can't afford a copy and really want the book just PM me I'll figure out something. It keeps me in coffee money and aggravates my sexless partner no end.

This is the third edition of the Sexless Marriage Book that I wrote after I became a member of ILIASM here on EP it has evolved through three printings as new information has presented itself and as new ideas came along. I think it will likely always be a "Work In Progress" but then again that's how life is. If you are interested you can buy the paper book on Amazon or get a Kindle version as well but if you get it through this link I get a tiny bit bigger share of the royalty www.createspace.com/4351647  I'm not sure why they do it this way but that's the way it's set up.

I just looked at Amazon.com and they are selling my book on special at a discount this month so get it now at a special price.  http://www.amazon.com/Sexless-Marriages-Other-Relationship-Disasters/dp/1490927603/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1375110932&sr=1-1&keywords=Warriorpoett



Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Everyone has a bit of the narcissist in their personality, which is normal, but when this gets carried to the extremes and turns into Narcissistic Personality Disorder then there is definitely trouble ahead for anyone that tries to have a relationship with this person. Some of the key symptoms are excessive aggression, they are verbally abusive, exhibit defensiveness and being manipulative and using other people while still trying to be a crowd pleaser. Someone that has this problem is usually critical of other people, often rude, arrogant, sarcastic and aggressive in private when no one else can see their behavior. They are often angry and take it out on those that are closest to them. It’s not fun too be the whipping boy for a narcissist and they are very two faced hiding this behavior in public and only letting the evil genie loose on those that they can bully in private.
         
A narcissist will pretend to be operating from high standards but the reality is that they are only critical of others while the standards for their own behavior are non-existent which results in them being flaky hypocrites who pander to the public image while something much darker lurks under the surface. They frequently make promises that they have no intention of keeping and spend a lot of their energy, seeking people who will adore them or who they can vent their aggression on either by provoking fights or gossiping about people behind their backs.
         
These people often follow a pattern of seducing and then abandoning lovers, friends and people that they have conned into admiring them. Their lack of empathy and excessive self-interest mixed with an ability to manipulate and charm others make them highly abusive to live with. It doesn’t bother them at all to exploit their partners sexually, financially or blaming everything else that happens in the relationship on the partner. They will hinder any attempt by their partner to regain self-esteem or strengthen their personal position in the relationship and will actively seek to keep their partner in a servile position and to in effect keep them as a sort of slave.
         
The reality is that a narcissist is like a very selfish child; they find it hard to share anything but especially attention. They have a driving need to be the center of attention and will go to great lengths to be the focus of everyone in their environment. Often they will make up stories about themselves in an attempt to make them more important than they are and they will consistently blame others for any wrong doing that they commit. This behavior flourishes in those that are charming and attractive because this gives them an advantage and allows them to get away with this behavior more often. They pretend to be humble and very likeable in public and often choose a less socially competent partner to be their foil and will mercilessly exploit them to get whatever they have chosen as their goal. Narcissists usually sulk or get excessively angry if they are seen to be in the wrong or make mistakes, they often rage or throw tantrums and will often insist on rewriting history to cover their mistakes.
         
These people are constantly looking for attention; they flirt and often have affairs either real or fantasized and are very susceptible to becoming addicted to pornography. Many of them become cyber socio-paths who have online affairs with a bunch of people that they manipulate and lie to. At their core narcissists are often very lonely and terribly desperate for the affection of a perfect person that they have created in a fantasy. They create this illusion trying to create someone that will adore them and be always sympathetic to their behaviors. This double life that they create means that they are never really satisfied with reality and they take it out on those that are close to them.
          
In a way a narcissist is like an emotional vampire, they want people around them to focus all attention on them and are constantly manipulating those around them to try and achieve the spotlight. Narcissism is a sort of obsessive type behavior pattern that can wreak havoc on those that get involved with a person that has this type of personality. These people are often very abusive but often are very sneaky in undermining their victims. They can be quite vicious but often go through extraordinary contortions to try and hide what they are doing. It’s hard to reconcile the difference between their charming public persona and the lying manipulative behavior that goes on behind their façade. They can do terrible damage to those around them and often leave a wake of misery behind them.



Excerpt from the book Sexless Marriages and Other Relationship Disasters by Warrior Poet Copyright 7-20-2013 which is available at www.createspace.com/4351647

Romance & Love Poems



My new book Loving Words which is a book full of Romance & Love poems went on sale this morning. This is a major milestone for me and is a product of The Lusty Wenches pushing me along to keep writing. So the book is dedicated to them.

If you are interested you can find the book at www.createspace.com/3702794



Gratitude




                               Photo by Frank Glick

Gratitude

Soon I will lay me down among the many just like me
Men who wore the uniform and carried the rifles to war
We did our duty and served this country with all honor
But we will be forgotten as we were when we returned

Asking all of us but where were they when we needed
Demanding more when we had given them everything
We came back broken and with wounds visible or hidden
To our oath we held true and we paid that horrible price

We kept our promise but received only lies for our service
Soon our silence will be assured as we pass one by one
Until yet another generation of warriors will look upon us
Feeling the same betrayal as they too know the bitter lies

Many paid everything for a small white stone in this place
Yet their families go without because this country cares not
We serve and protect you with our lives and can't get a job
Bearing scars on our bodies and hearts we feel betrayed

Poem by David Schreiner

You Might Be In A Sexless Marriage If:

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Passive Aggressive Behavior

Understanding Passive Aggressive Behavior
 
            First we need a working definition for what passive aggressive behavior actually is. While it is no longer classified as a diagnosable condition by psychologists it still exists and creates many problems and much pain in day-to-day dealings with people that have these kinds of issues. The thinking is that passive aggressive behavior starts in childhood when a child is exposed to someone who is very dominant. The child learns quickly that they will never be able to win a confrontation so they begin classical guerrilla warfare, which is passive aggressive behavior. This kind of behavior is always undercover and is often disguised to misdirect the person that it is the object of their anger. Passive aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse using actions that appear to be normal or even loving and caring. Some of the key indicators for unmasking a passive aggressive person are:
 

  1. Procrastination: The passive aggressive person often makes promises to do things but seldom keeps the promises or they may delay keeping the promise until it’s too late to do any good. One example I came across was a passive aggressive male who failed to pick his wife up after work on time, often making her wait for a half hour or more. He had no other responsibilities because he had no job, but he was consistently late. He would never answer the phone so she had no way of knowing if he was coming to pick her up or not.

  2. Ambiguity: Passive aggressive people seldom mean what they say so the best way to tell what they are really thinking is to watch what they do. They usually won’t do anything until they have caused some kind of problem and then it’s often too little too late.

  3. Forgetfulness:  Passive aggressive people constantly forget to do things that were promised or that are part of assigned responsibilities: This can be maddening especially in the work place. Often these people can be relied upon to be unreliable. We have all encountered people like this. These people can make life miserable if you are assigned to work in a team with them because they will often sabotage everyone else.

  4. Negative attitude: Passive aggressive people resent authority and often voice negative opinions about coworkers, bosses and other people that are involved with them. They often make negative comments about people and events that are going on around them. Passive aggressive people are often very subtle getting in their punches and disappearing before you know what hit you.

  5. Lack Of Anger: Passive aggressive people will seldom display anger; they often pretend to be happy with whatever you want. This is merely hiding their anger; often they have been taught as a child that anger is never to be displayed. So they hide the anger and stick it to you at some future time in a sneaky sort of way.

  6. Avoiding All Conflict: These people want to avoid conflict at all costs: In order to do this they often shut down a large part of their own emotions. They will stifle their own emotions rather than let someone else know what they are feeling which often results in a huge build up of inner anguish. When confronted with something that they don’t want to deal with they often go silent or just walk away.

  7. Obstructiveness: Passive aggressive persons are masters at coming up with reasons for not doing something that they don’t want to. But most of the time the reasons are designed to direct your attention at something other than the fact that they don’t want to do it. It is important to them that you do not get your way they will promise the moon but the delivery date never comes. Changing the subject in mid-conversation is one of their favorite ways of misdirecting our attention away from requiring their participation in anything that they don’t want to do.

  8. Diminishing Others: Passive aggressive people often try to diminish others around them to hide their own feelings of inferiority. They often make remarks that make people start questioning themselves about what they might have done to be treated in this manner. What they have done is nothing wrong the passive aggressive person simply feels the need to knock everyone else down so that he can feel normal.

  9. Always The Victim: A passive aggressive person always has an excuse; they consistently deny responsibility for failures. Nothing is ever their fault. Master blame shifters they cannot accept the responsibility for failure it always has to be something or someone else that is responsible.

  10. Internalized Anger: Passive aggressive people have a huge reservoir of anger inside them that they often don’t recognize and it affects everything that they do. It seems that most of them are frozen into an emotional state of childhood. They exhaust their partners by nonparticipation in life. It has been said that living with a passive aggressive is like being a frog in a pan of water that is slowly heated the frog doesn’t notice the temperature change and eventually is boiled to death. That seems to be a pretty good analogy for what happens to the partner of someone that is very passive aggressive.

  11. No Intimacy: These people can never trust anyone else and they are always avoiding becoming intimate with anyone else. They might have sex with you but it’s not making love because to them intimacy is to be avoided at all costs. If they think they are becoming vulnerable to intimacy they will punish you by withholding sex.

 
 
 
 
All of us exhibit passive aggressive behaviors from time to time, which is normal. In some circumstances it’s a sensible strategy to avoid emotionally or financially costly confrontations. On the other hand a person that consistently behaves in this manner is a time bomb waiting to explode. But the explosion usually never comes because the passive aggressive person dissipates the energy gradually in a low-key manner that often leaves others wondering what’s going on. Passive aggressive people are masters of shifting responsibility and in any kind of confrontation they normally will attempt to shift the blame to the person that is confronting them. A common reaction is to end up wondering how that could possibly happen.

It seems that passive aggressive people are frozen emotionally into a rage that started somewhere in their early years. Being unable to challenge this dominance they have reverted to asymmetrical warfare tactics. They hit and run, ignore things that they don’t want to deal with and shift blame to everyone else but them. They use this pattern of behavior until it becomes an ingrained part of their personality. The severity of the problem can vary from someone that is chronically late for appointments that they don’t want to keep, to someone that is destructively angry and makes every effort to destroy the happiness and well being of everyone around them.

Classic passive aggressive behavior is usually an undercover operation. They try very hard not to show anger or exhibit malicious behavior. They often appear to be trying to help because they are very concerned with how others perceive them. Subtlety is their specialty and if you are dealing with someone that acts this way you will often end up feeling frustrated and confused because their actions aren’t in line with what their expressed intentions were. Guilt shifting by these people can often leave you wondering if you have done something wrong even though you aren’t quite sure what it might have been. This inconsistency can make you crazy because you never really know what’s going on with these people. Their behavior is designed to express anger and resentment in a way that disguises the intent.

An even more troubling aspect of their behavior is that they are usually unaware that they are being offensive; often they seem to think they are being helpful. When their so-called helpfulness angers or offends someone then it is always the offended person’s fault because a passive aggressive won’t accept responsibility, they see it as you rejecting their attempt at being helpful. Often they will sabotage the supposed effort to help by doing something after a deadline has passed or doing it in a way that negates any benefit from their help.

The evidence shows that this pattern of behavior is learned in childhood as a defense mechanism in response to feeling helpless to defend themselves against someone who is controlling. Since the child cannot express itself openly in this environment they adopt this strategy as a covert way to rebel against the controllers. Over time this pattern of behavior becomes the way that they deal with everything in their world.
 
The Passive Aggressive And Co-Dependency  
Passive aggressive behavior is usually involved in co-dependency; this involves a relationship where the passive aggressive person has engaged another person who aids their seeking of control over their situation. Codependency with a passive aggressive person usually involves a triangular relationship that has three distinct phases.
 
1. The first segment of this three-sided nightmare would be the people-pleasing rescuer, this person tries to do it all and will go through endless pains to try and make other people happy mostly at their own expense. These people are often anxious, depressed, self sacrificing, and addicted to hope
 
2. The second segment is the resentful stage where the codependent person becomes angry, hurt, and resents that their passive aggressive partner will not change or accept their help. They repress feelings because they learn it’s no use expressing them because they will be ignored. Their self-esteem is bottomed out and their own emotions overwhelm them. There is a lack of coping skills, which causes difficulty in maintaining a positive sense of self.
 
 
3. The third segment would be when you start feeling like a victim and start doubting yourself. Questioning yourself with things like why does this always happen to me, or why can’t they appreciate all the sacrifices that I’ve made for them are typical responses for a codependent person. Co-dependents often become addicted to a relationship and will often choose a dysfunctional mate because it is a familiar relationship pattern. This can flow in either direction but it is a tool in the hands of the passive aggressive person used to control the codependent and to keep them from questioning the behavior of the controller who are masters of distributing guilt to everyone but themselves.
 
A codependent is in many ways an enabler for the passive aggressive person, they often end up functioning much like the “whipping boy” who takes the punishment for the prince, while the passive aggressive accepts this as the right and proper order of things. In the world of the passive aggressive person they are never the ones responsible for failures or negative outcomes. This responsibility is always passed off to someone else and a co-dependent person makes an ideal target for this kind of blame shifting.
           
In dealing with a passive aggressive person you will often find that they try to manipulate others to get what they want. This controlling behavior is necessary for them because they feel that their needs won’t be met if they let their needs be known. It is almost impossible to penetrate the shield that a passive aggressive has thrown up around their emotions because they are terrified of becoming vulnerable. Passive aggressive people consider intimacy to be the ultimate abomination and will go to extraordinary lengths to make sure that they never become susceptible to being intimate with anyone. They often resort to a strategy where they want to trade something for something, a quid pro quo arrangement where they set the rules.
           
Strangely these people have a very difficult time with saying no to someone else’s requests. Yet they engage in a pattern of procrastination because in reality they are paying you back for daring to make a request of them. This turning of things back on the person that questions their behavior is an extremely harmful strategy to anyone that is attempting to have a relationship with this person. It erodes their confidence and self-esteem and puts them in a very vulnerable position for further manipulation.
           
Passive aggressive people are great actors, when you examine how they deal with the world everything they do is an act. They refuse to allow their real selves to be glimpsed by anyone. They are afraid that if that real self is ever seen that they will be rejected, so they bury it deep. Being consummate actors though allows them to be great pretenders of emotions that they are really not feeling and this seems to be a way that they lure people into becoming their partners. They seem to prefer people-pleasers that will make huge efforts to keep them fat and happy in the little world that they are creating. This often comes at the emotional expense of their partner. One of the passive aggressive person’s primary goals is to be considered as a nice person.  They will make huge efforts to build the scenery that makes them look like a wonderful person to others. Often this fantasy comes at a high cost to their partner who is essentially abandoned as soon as the stage is set and everything seems to be in place.
           
These people can be smooth especially the ones that are highly intelligent, because they are master manipulators. They have learned which buttons to push to get the reactions that they want and they aren’t shy about it. It seems as though their victims are hypnotized and somehow they have been convinced that it’s all right that they are treated as puppets on the stage of the passive aggressive person’s world. When one of their puppets starts to wake up and realizes that they are being mistreated the passive aggressive will often go into overdrive to smooth things over and lull them back into the coma of their regular existence.
           
Passive aggressive people are often condescending to others and often make sarcastic comments designed to lessen the worth of other people. A common strategy is to make derogatory remarks about those close to them or family members. They often have a distorted self-concept that combined with low self-esteem, drives them to seek approval but when they get it then it has no value. These people have an underlying goal, which is to avoid all conflict or emotional intimacy and they will avoid confrontation at all costs. A favorite tactic when confronted with something that they will not deal with is to derail the conversation by changing the subject, or ignoring what’s been said, or to make a disparaging remark about it, which effectively ends the discussion.

The passive aggressive persons greatest weapon is time. The discomfort of being in a relationship with them usually takes quite a lot of time to reach a point where you know that something is wrong. By the time you begin to see the problem you have invested so much of yourself that you simply can’t admit that you can’t fix this problem. All of that time, energy, devotion and commitment that you have put into the relationship anchors you because like most people pleasers you just can’t give up and recognize that you have made a seriously bad investment. Being a pleaser (co-dependent) is a lot like an addiction to gambling; an addicted gambler will bet the last dollar they have because they fervently believe that the next hand will be a winner. A co-dependent will keep fighting a hopeless battle because they don’t have the courage to give up and start again. If they do finally break free they often end up with another version of what they had because they unconsciously choose a partner that is familiarly dysfunctional.

So if you are in a relationship and you keep seeing these behaviors then perhaps you need to evaluate how this is affecting you. This behavior mode is horribly difficult to change and this can only be done with the full cooperation of the passive aggressive person and they will likely never admit that there is anything wrong or will blame it on you. Sometimes you have to know when to fold your hand in this game because in this case there are no winners. But just knowing what you are up against can help you decide what to do for your own survival. As co-dependent people pleasers it’s terribly difficult for us to tear ourselves away from these projects that we somehow believe that we can fix. The reality is that it’s not our problem to fix and most passive aggressive people don’t feel that there is anything wrong.

Absolutely the only chance you have of changing this scenario is to get the passive aggressive person to know that they are passive aggressive and to get them to voluntarily seek help for this problem. It has to come from them, unless you can get them to recognize that they have a problem they will never do anything about it because they don’t believe a problem exists. Remember you are dealing with a master blame shifter and the passive aggressive behavior is the root of the problem but unless they have a real desire to change things then your relationship will never change.


Excerpt from the book Sexless Marriages and Other Relationship Disasters 3 by Warrior Poet Copyright 7-20-2013 which is available at

www.createspace.com/4351647



Emancipation For Relationships

          Sexless marriages are just one of many problems that people are facing in what seems to be an ever more egocentric and isolating kind of world. If you are married and have sex less than once a month you are living in an essentially sexless marriage, this seems to be an agreed on definition and for the purposes of this discussion it will work. The numbers of sexless marriages can never truly be known because many people would rather be drawn and quartered than reveal that kind of information but even based on evidence from doctors and psychologists and others involved in treatment of these problems the numbers are staggering. There are some estimates that put the numbers as high as forty million in the United States alone. That’s not a problem it is an epidemic.
          There have always been sexless marriages, there is no question of that and in certain eras of human history it was even encouraged. But there was also a big disconnect in the way things were handled. The Victorians encouraged women to have their children and then have sex as what was referred to as the wife’s duties. That kind of attitude made it almost a certainty that the sex wasn’t enjoyable because the woman would lie there and do her duty, which is a sorry excuse for sex. As society evolved the idea of romantic love and other what we see as love practices came into our lexicon of the way things should be. Things always change and our ideas about sex are no exception but sometimes the ideas haven’t changed enough as we have changed to create a climate for people to be satisfied with their sexual relationships.
          Sadly we have often loaded ourselves down with chains and excessively primitive ideas that in our present social structure almost guarantee that there will be many unhappy people. The divorce rate and the numbers of sexless marriages prove this beyond any doubt. There are many factors that add to our misery and most of them are self-induced because we have locked ourselves into traditions and ideas that simply don’t fit the reality of our situation. In the last one hundred years our society has underwent huge upheavals due to industrialization, advances in medicine and technology. We live longer and healthier lives, which changes the dynamic of what is possible for relationships. While there has always been some experimentation around the edges most people still subscribe to the idea of letting religious practices dictate there relationship practices, but the template being used is well over a thousand years out of date.
          Analysis of these practices brings to light some rather disturbing ideas. The first and primary concern of these rules is that women are owned and when they marry a man he owns their sexuality. It’s supposed to go both ways but our social structure has always seemed to be biased in the favor of letting males do about anything they wanted while the wife was pretty much under lock and key. This notorious double standard has been in practice for a very long time and it allowed men to make rules that allowed them to do things like have concubines, visit prostitutes, have multiple wives and even easily set their wife aside. After all in some cultures even today a man can divorce his wife simply by saying in public three times I divorce thee, I divorce thee, I divorce thee. The men loaded the dice in the mating game but that has never stopped those that were determined to bend or break the rules. One of the primary purposes of marriage was to control the inheritance of property. The heirs were incredibly important to a family and men jealously guarded the sexuality of their wife to insure that the heir was of their bloodline. In effect a wife was breeding stock and in many cases was treated as such. Keeping control of the land and the goods that the family owned was of paramount importance and the marriage customs were developed to aid and abet this imperative. There was little concern for romance or happiness or mutual satisfaction with the marriage in most cases it was often a business deal where a marriage occurred to cement alliances and to increase material wealth.
          This doesn’t mean that romance and concern for the happiness of a mate didn’t exist but it was far outweighed by marriages that were for convenience and financial gain. As our society has become more complex and the average person became more affluent and had more leisure to engage in pursuits other than just surviving our ideas about what our relationships should provide for us underwent many changes but unfortunately the rules from the bad old days about marriage stayed firmly locked in place. Though slight variations occur marriage is still primarily about owning your partners sexual reproductive capacity to the exclusion of all others. That doesn’t mean that everything is all tidy and orderly, some recent technology that makes it fairly easy to determine genetic parentage of children suggests that as many as seven out of every one hundred men are raising children that they didn’t father. That means that the wife got pregnant elsewhere then let her husband believe the child was his.
 
Excerpt from the book Sexless Marriages and Other Relationship Disasters 3 by Warrior Poet Copyright 2013 which is available at www.createspace.com/4351647 


1-6 of 6 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Sexless Marriages & Other Relationship Disasters 3, posted July 20th, 2013, 1 comment
Narcissistic Personality Disorder, posted March 2nd, 2013, 1 comment
Romance & Love Poems, posted October 15th, 2011, 2 comments
Gratitude, posted August 15th, 2011
You Might Be In A Sexless Marriage If:, posted March 7th, 2011, 1 comment
Passive Aggressive Behavior, posted January 28th, 2011
Emancipation For Relationships, posted January 27th, 2011

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